Just answer the next few questions score your answers at the

end and reveal the truth about yourself

 1. In a built-up 30mph zone you ride round the outside of a GSX-R750 on a roundabout. Do you:

A) Feel like you've burnt him off good and proper

B) Tell everyone how, "he didn't 't like that, oh no."

C) Accept that because it's a 30mph zone he probably wasn't trying

D) Get your knee down just in front of him because you can

2. You're the undisputed king of your local Breakfast Club team. Then one day

 a new member joins and -horror! - he's faster than you. Do you

A) Spray WD40 on his discs and then challenge him to a race

B)  Take it on the chin. He's better, but so what?

C) Get yourself on some track days and learn to go faster

D) Buy a Kawasaki ZZR1400 and wait for the straight bits

3. Accelerating down a country lane you hit a crest and your front wheel pops into the air for a second. Do you

A) Shit yourself and shut the throttle

B) Open the throttle even more to try and sustain

C) Worry about your fork seals

D) Get homo and brag of your "enormous wheelie" for a week

4. You're out cruising on your brand new superbike. You're cool -you check yourself in a shop window -then you see a

schoolgirl loitering at the bus stop. Do you

A) Stop, pull over and ask her if her parents are out tonight

B) Clutch it up into a perfect second gear wheelie

C) Pop up a spazzy little wheelie, then roar off and pretend you never meant to

D) Check her out so intently that you don't notice a car stopping in front of you


5. You read all the road tests about this year's hottest new bike and borrow the money to be the first person in your area to buy one. But it turns out it's dead slow and handles like crap. Do you

A) Lie like buggery and tell everyone what a great decision you've made    

B) Come clean and slag all the bike magazines

C) Discreetly start scouring the small ads for "Good clean low mileage bikes wanted," 

D) Have the bleeder stolen

6. You smash yourself up in a big accident and promise your mum, dad, wife or bird that you'll never ride a motorcycle ever again. Not ever. Then summer arrives, hospital discharges you, the insurance money comes through, etc. Do you

A) Ask your loved ones what they think of your new bike

B) Buy the bike, hide it, and engage in a double life any CIA operative would be proud of

C) Give up and buy a really fast car

D) Leave the wife, move to Amsterdam and blow the insurance money on sex, drugs, and hangovers.

7. You're licking along the M6 when you see a GPZ550 rider pulled up on the hard shoulder. Do you:

A) Keep going - you're a crap mechanic  

B) Stop and ask if he needs help

C) Look the other way and pretend not to see

D) Get as near to the GPz as you can and howl past at 140mph

8. You've got ten points on your license. You're flat-out on a burn with your mates, when a radar-toting copper jumps into the middle of the road and commands you to stop. Do you:

A) Stop and offer to turn Queen's Evidence on others

B) Stop, take your lid off and try and reason with him

C) Turn your head, pretend you haven't seen him and keep going

D) Chaarge! And hope he doesn't get you reg.

9. Your bike shows all the signs of imminent self-destruction in several major ways Do you:

A) Sell it to one of your soon-to-be-ex-mates who's "always wanted one just like it"

B) Put it in the paper with an optimistic price tag and 'sold as seen - needs work'

C) Immediately upgrade your insurance cover to fully comp and ride like a wanker

D) Hang about the Part II Test Centre looking for potential victims


10. You return to your bike in the car park and find a group of people checking it out. Do you:

A) Wait 'til they all go away because you're shy, then inspect for signs of urination 

B) Stand as close as possible and listen to what they're saying about it

C) Run over and proudly invite questions  

D) Run over shrieking at them to get their bloody mitts off, then do an enormous burnout and ride off

11. It's a track day at Donington Park. You're led out by an instructor for your first few laps with 11 other riders. Do you:

A) Move to the front of the queue so you can observe the instructors lines the best

B)   Follow the chap in front of you in the middle of the group 

C) Think that the instructor's going way too slow, overtake him and roar uncertainly off

D) On coming back in, ask the instructor how to rear-wheel steer

12. You need a new engine for your CBR. Your local breaker offers you a suspiciously pristine example for a decent price - with no numbers on the cases. It's been nicked. Do you:

a) Tell him he's a thieving gypsy bastard and you're going to call the police      

B)  Tell him no thanks, leave the shop and tell all your mates to avoid It 

C) Realize you're in the wrong business, buy some bolt croppers and open up a breakers

D) Buy it cheap and say no more

13. You go to Box Mill/Mat I, Bath, and park next to some guy with exactly the same bike, helmet and leathers as you. Do you:

A) Laugh at the inherent comedic irony of the situation

B) Do a Begbie and glass the bastard      

C) Wait till he walks away and steal his fairing to replace your damaged one  

D) Go home and die of shame

14. Your friend has just ridden home on his new Suzuki GSX-R600 and invites you round to look at it. Do you:

A) Call him a "lucky bastard!" and ogle his new megabike

B) Say that you think it looks horrible and slow

C) Tell him he'll never be able to do it justice

D) Go out and buy one yourself to keep up with the Joneses


15. Your girlfriend announces that she's sick of being an occasional pillion and applies for her CBR. Do you:

A) Encourage her, she is her own person after all 

B) Tell her to shut up and to remember her place

C) Get paranoid that she'll be faster than you and try and talk her out of it

D) Buy a bike with a decent grab rail in case you ever have to sit behind her

16. You're on your way to a Superbike race, and there's loads of other bikes on the road. Everyone's headed the same way. Do you:

A) Enjoy the company of other bikers as you cruise down the motorway

B) Race to the front because you're the fastest and noisiest

C) Worry about the cops and let the others get on with it

D) Take an alternate route because all those bikes tall-gating really bugs you

17. You're up in front of the beak in your best shiny suit for doing 134 mph down the M40. They give you a one year-ban and £500 fine. Do you:

A) Accept you punishment with a nod and shuffle out

B) Give the judge a ten minute speech on the inequity of the British justice system

C) Tell them that you've been framed and you were in France at the time

D) Scream at the judge that you know where he lives and how nice his daughter looked the other day

18. You've just been shopping in the 'high Street" and pull away. Disaster! You forgot about your disc lock and tumble to the ground in front of a crowd of shoppers. Do you:

A) Laugh hysterically and give a bow to your startled audience

B) Pick your bike up, quietly remove the lock and ride off   

C) Swear and scream about the "buggered steering" and howl off at top rpm

D) Blame the nearest shopper and punch 'him in the gob'

19. You're riding in town in the wet when you go over a pedestrian crossing. Your front tyre steps out two inches. Do you:

A) Carry on as though nothing happened

B)  Tell everyone at work "I nearly lost it BIG TIME today!"

C) Stop immediately and have a fag to calm yourself

D) Remember to watch it in future

20.And finally, it's the NEC Show. You're looking for a new helmet at a stand but can't decide. Do you:

A) Try on every one, but fail to make up your mind

B) Buy the latest RX-9XXZZ for $3000.

C) Buy the first one the assistant says you should buy

D) Find the best fitting helmet, then go and buy it $50 cheaper round the corner


1)    A-3  B-5  C-9  D-7

2)    A-3  B-9  C-7  D-5

3)    A-7  B-9  C-5  D-3

4)    A-9  B-3  C-5  D-7

5)    A-3  B-9  C-5  D-7

6)    A-9  B-5  C-3  D-7

7)    A-7  B-9  C-5  D-3

8)    A-3  B-5  C-7  D-9

9)    A-3  B-9  C-7  D-5

10)  A-5  B-7  C-9  D-3

11)  A-9  B-5  C-3  D-7

12)  A-9  B-7  C-3  D-5

13)  A-7  B-3  C-5  D-9

14)  A-9  B-3  C-5  D-7

15)  A-9  B-3  C-5  D-7

16)  A-9  B-3  C-5  D-7

17)  A-9  B-7  C-5  D-3

18)  A-7  B-9  C-5  D-3

19)  A-9  B-3  C-5  D-7

20)  A-7  B-5  C-3  D-9

60 -100 Points

Biker Berk

"Wake up and smell the coffee - loser! You're a tosser and everybody knows it except you. Just because you've got a CBR600 with a Repsol paintjob and loud paddock jacket doesn't make you Nicky Hayden, although you honestly think it does. In the pub, you're louder than a full race Micron flat-out in top. Despite the constant bragging, the only rear wheel steering you've ever done is paddling your bike backwards in the middle of the road 'cos you can't do a U-turn without putting your feet down. Everybody lets you lead the group, not because you're faster, but because it's easier to lose you that way. And there's less chance of you tail-ending someone (you ride like a nob, of course). But you'll be in hospital soon and we can all forget about you. Everyone hates you, by the way..."

100 - 130 Points

Corolla Man

Six months on an RD250 in 1979 hardly qualifies you for superbike ownership. You're a bit out of your depth, but picking it up OK. You'll be riding fast soon, but it might be in the back of the ambulance. You're the archetypal timewaster - six visits to the shop just to buy a carbon hugger, then six more visits asking how to fit it. And it still rubs on the tyre. But at least that's sorted out the two inches of shiny rubber you've failed to scrub off the sides. When you leave the pub, you always hang on to the rev limiter in first, then short-shift into top when you're out of earshot. A novices track day might just change your life for the better, when you find out what it's really all about. Otherwise, "just get back in a Corolla, man."

131 - 160 Points

Real World Rider

You've got some good experience under your belt and feel happiest on your bike.

You can ride well and what's more you're always eager to try harder,

ride faster. You read MCN every week but don't believe a word of it. You're a bit too

into the scene all for your own good - bit of a bike-bore to your non-biker mates. Carl Fogarty's  your all-time hero. You got your knee down once, just to prove you could. Wheelies you prefer to leave to the stuntmen and you wouldn't dream of doing a bum-out -clutches and tyres are way too precious and besides, it's embarrassing. You've worn the same biker jacket every day for the  past three years - it's part of you  and you like that. For you, missing the Bol would be like missing Christmas."

161 -180 Points

Rossi Cousin

Congratulations, dude. You're as fast and wicked on a motorbike as it's possible to get. If Whitham followed  you on the road,  he'd say, "Respect!" You've been riding since your sixteenth birthday, had your fair share of crashes, had all those brushes with the law and pleaded 'Guilty' by post more times than you can remember. All your mates are bikers, all with tricked-up bikes. And you lead the pack, because no-one can get past. Those knee-sliders are scuffed for a reason. You never bullshit - you don't need to! Your bike has none of those silly little bits of carbon fibre and titanium fasteners - just stage 1 tune, sticky tyres and a steering damper. Next step for you: take up racing and prepare for an umbrella-girl shagathon!"